IB

A friend said: it's like pregnancy.

At the beginning, you're all naive. 

Thrilled by the challenge, and you claim to love learning,

in the same way as teenage girls claim to love children.

You ignore the description of the course on the website stating that it's "time-consuming".

You don't question it. Do you overestimate yourself?

Then it starts.

You experience morning sickness in the first few months, you feel overwhelmed.

You keep telling yourself it's worth it. 

But then it gets heavier and heavier, it grows. 

Soon, there is so much you start doubting if you can carry it all.

You suddenly realise what responsibility it is.

You wait for the end to come, but it never appears. 

You cry, and regret.

You become miserable towards anyone who isn't pregnant of the IB,

you eat all kinds of junk food ALL the time because you NEED it,

you get very little sleep, 

and you expect and take the understanding of everyone for granted.

You reach a point where you can't take it anymore.

You just want to let that baby out. 

But you must keep on fighting.

Then you're in the last month.

Contractions begin. In other words, exams.

You have a breakdown every other day because you feel like you won't be able to pass.

People see the worst sides of you.

There are different people who hold your hand: teachers, parents, maybe a friend.

And who guide you. Tell you it will be ok.

Finally, it comes to the last exam. 

The one that is most difficult and for which you need to understand all the biological processes of reproduction.

You are exhausted, a fever sets in and you don't think you will survive that last day.

You wake up the next morning and think it will die, you will die or fail.

All those months wasted.

You beg some faraway God that he will protect you. 

Then it's done. Just like that.

You survived.

You are more tired than you have ever been in your life,

or at least it feels like that.

But at the same time you are excited for the things to come. 

You feel proud.

And looking back, you don't remember the pain. 

I'm done with IB, Sev. And I felt like writing this because I liked the metaphor. I hope you are fine. Call me anytime soon - palease? Love, 

D

Things I am jealous of

Hello pretty D,

Each time I read your posts I brim with jealousy at how beautiful you are and how amazing your life is. You must be having a wonderful time in Africa at the moment, I'm sure all the children are grateful for all the zeal and kindness you bring everywhere you go. As usual, you have bought some lovely clothes which I look forward to taking 'cause you owe me' next time I see you.
So you have nearly finished school and you have accomplished so much, I'm sure you're excited about dismounting the rainbow and reaching the pot of gold that is University in the UK!! I am rather annoyed that everyone but me will be able to experience your geniality, wit and of course your badass dancing. You will not have heard, but while you have been selflessly teaching impoverished children in Africa, I have landed a job with a corporate firm in Berlin! I start in Summer and expect several visits before you forget about me in your new life.
I absolutely cannot wait to see you. Speak soon,

S

Ps. I would love a souvenir. THANKS<3

Afrika?

Occassionally I think about names for baby girl that future-me may be lucky to have....what about, for example, Afrika? And then I imagine how the child would have to say "Hi. My name is Afrika...". Truth be told, it wouldn't be a bad name but maybe not for my girl. I think I'll stick to Apricots. 

Anyway, as you know I am leaving to South Africa on Friday and I am more than super excited! 

Thus I got some new clothes and thought I should share them with you:

(1) I thought I needed a white summer dress! And we're not allowed to wear pants over there so I thought this was perfect! (2) I love this T-shirt - it's nothing exrtraordinary but super sweet. (3) I loved the design on the skirt... (4) Bad and Outfit matching! Oh-em-gee. (5) Mit einem kleinen Strickjäckchen...:)

They are all from ZARA and H&M, duh.

And then, of course, I will also take my skirt from last year and clothes for outside of teaching. Unfortunately, I also have to revise, like hardcore, in the desert - but the teachers are very supportive and understanding. So everything is fine ! :)

CAN'T WAIT TO GO! 

Should I get you anything? Like, a bracelet or something?

Love, D

I went a little crazy

Hallo Babyschen,

So I decided I dislike everything I own and sold half of my clothes on ebay. With the money (and a bit more) I bought some new things, I thought you'd like to see . You might recognise the last one. One of my style inspirations has it. <3

Urban Outfitters

Zara

Zara

Zara

Zara

I am bored of them now.

I don't know who this is by, but I once read it somewhere and wrote it on my white board at home. 

It's powerful, I think....

WRECK THIS JOURNAL

So I promised I would keep you on track with the state of my journal. Then I realised that I haven't even introduced it yet.

S bought me a super cool journal! I was so thrilled when I received it in the mail! 

This is how it looked like when it arrived.

My hands, floor and clothes were fully of glitter. Thanks for bringing some sparkle into my life, S.

But it's not just a "normal" journal! This one was designed by Keri Smith to get artistically.....transformed. 

I underlined "perfectionists" because it pleased me - and I think it is perfect for people like me who may want to try and get a little less perfectionistic. 

Basically, you get little exercises  on each page. The order in which you do them doesn't matter.

Here are some funky ones that I really liked when browsing through it for the first time.

It is my baby, and it will soon be art.

Will keep you updated, S. 

"Yesterday I dared to struggle, today I dare to win"

After feeling depressed for a whole month, I think I have finally come to peace with myself. Negative thoughts conquered my inner life; I was a slave to my own mind. But I can gladly say that emancipation has come at last.

For the whole of January, I would  come home everyday, cry and then sleep very early. I was constantly hungry and, for once in my life, I didn't care one bit about gaining weight. 

My mother was sick of my unhappiness, my schoolmates didn't take me serious, perhaps thinking I was only seeking attention. And looking back, I am thankful that they were. 

I was silly. 

Not because I didn't appreciate my luck. That was more the issue. I would focus on all my incapabilities and occasionally sing "Special" by Radiohead. 

I hated myself, more than I probably ever have. I hated the fact that intelligent, hardworking adolescents that I got to know in South Africa would love to be in my position and presumably would make more use of the dozen opportunities that I was facing.

I was full of doubt. 

Then, last week, I was asked to give a presentation by my friend Amy. One of her friends was willing to donate the money, raised by a concert he gave, to the Kalahari and Amy needed a translator. Little did I know that I would not be able to speak German.

I've been studying in English for three years now, like intensely studying. I learned how to write coherent essays in English, the scientific terms needed in Bio and how to give presentations in front of people that I don't know. While doing so, however, it seems that I have lost some of my German, which is what we call "opportunity cost" in Economics. 

Though the word "lost" seems somewhat wrong though, since when I'm in German class I have no problem speaking my semi-native language. But that night, I completely lost it.

Amy, with her energetic and fully confident soul, entertained the audience but then it was my term to translate it. Instead of speaking, I froze. For about 10 seconds, I couldn't say anything and instead, I could only perceive the hundred blank faces staring at me.

We hadn't really prepared it, and even if we had, I had just heard English. I think in English, how was I supposed to speak German suddenly?

And even when I was able to speak, I would say "erm" like a dozen times and make lots of pausis. My speech was far from flowing.

It was awful.

Nevertheless, and for once in my life, I didn't pity myself after this massive fail. I realised it wasn't my night.  It wasn't about me. Amy's friend still achieved to have an excellent performance - his and the other pianists' hands still elegantly danced over the piano.

On the next morning, my negativity was finally enough for me. I decided that I had already lost enough time just whining about my problems. 

I admitted being scared - not of failing the IB, but actually succeeding at it. I was scared that my dreams may come true. That I might actually be pleased on the 6th of July when we get our results back. And when I finally realised that there was a possibility that I might pass the IB with excellent results, it seemed to ease everything.

I also became aware of the fact that I wasn't crediting myself enough. I had, for example, forgotten the days when I went to speech therapy as a child learning to pronounce certain vowels. I forgot how paralysed my speech used to be. I forgot that my leadership presentations, a while before, had been the first time in my life where I had spoke up in front of people that I didn't know. So even if I made a mess on Friday, it had been a big step.

Then, on Saturday, we went shopping - my parents and me. I had been saving up most of my money in order to finance my Kalahari trip for months. So it felt great being able to freely spend some money again. 

Cher, from Clueless, is right! Shopping is like therapy! And I had forgotten it!

As you can see, I couldn't control myself. :)

I also found a dress like the one you had before Z stole it from you.....you know the one that you told me to put on when we went on that heavy metal concert with A, and I ridiculously danced with James Logan. 

I'm glad that things are back to normal again. Let's see if I can rock the 2 months of IB left! :)

I miss you, S.

Quote by Bernadette Devlin

When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you

I already miss you, sweet one. Winter isn't exactly a favorable season, I would say - it's cold and one gets tired more easily because of the high level of melatonin in the brain triggered by the increased darkness of the season. Sure, there is Christmas so it's a festive season. There are lights everywhere and if you are into the German Weihnachtsmarkt you can drink Glühwein and chat with fellow human beings: blah blah blah.

But it's the end of the year and I can never wait for spring to come and flowers to bloom and to hear the sun shout again! I guess the New Year always brings in a sort of re-birth for everybody and everything. People make resolutions and trees begin to be dressed in leaves again, so, essentially, it brings in change. 

And change is always something good.

But although winter is my least favourite season, it was great to have you here again. We still had a good time, didn't we? - entering online virtual worlds like mybimbo facing "difficult" challenges (I know, embarrassing to mention it, why do I?), sinfully eating at Maccys almost every other day until we actually get sick of eating there (how is that even possible?) and taking pictures with my new instant camera in the limited amount of natural light that winter offers. Not to mention our house catching fire and your hilarious annoyance about not getting the right amount of sleep you deserve because of it. Haha.

I really hope for us that you'll find an awesome internship place in Tschörmany and that I pass my IB exams in four month with excellent results. 

And of course, the same positive outcomes for our sisters. Wish Z good luck tonight when receiving a reply by her first-choice uni.

Finally, I think for the next two months I will work really hard in school so that perhaps I will be able to spare a weekend and come and visit you in Manchester. 

Do get skype in the mean time though.

Love, 

D