"Yesterday I dared to struggle, today I dare to win"

After feeling depressed for a whole month, I think I have finally come to peace with myself. Negative thoughts conquered my inner life; I was a slave to my own mind. But I can gladly say that emancipation has come at last.

For the whole of January, I would  come home everyday, cry and then sleep very early. I was constantly hungry and, for once in my life, I didn't care one bit about gaining weight. 

My mother was sick of my unhappiness, my schoolmates didn't take me serious, perhaps thinking I was only seeking attention. And looking back, I am thankful that they were. 

I was silly. 

Not because I didn't appreciate my luck. That was more the issue. I would focus on all my incapabilities and occasionally sing "Special" by Radiohead. 

I hated myself, more than I probably ever have. I hated the fact that intelligent, hardworking adolescents that I got to know in South Africa would love to be in my position and presumably would make more use of the dozen opportunities that I was facing.

I was full of doubt. 

Then, last week, I was asked to give a presentation by my friend Amy. One of her friends was willing to donate the money, raised by a concert he gave, to the Kalahari and Amy needed a translator. Little did I know that I would not be able to speak German.

I've been studying in English for three years now, like intensely studying. I learned how to write coherent essays in English, the scientific terms needed in Bio and how to give presentations in front of people that I don't know. While doing so, however, it seems that I have lost some of my German, which is what we call "opportunity cost" in Economics. 

Though the word "lost" seems somewhat wrong though, since when I'm in German class I have no problem speaking my semi-native language. But that night, I completely lost it.

Amy, with her energetic and fully confident soul, entertained the audience but then it was my term to translate it. Instead of speaking, I froze. For about 10 seconds, I couldn't say anything and instead, I could only perceive the hundred blank faces staring at me.

We hadn't really prepared it, and even if we had, I had just heard English. I think in English, how was I supposed to speak German suddenly?

And even when I was able to speak, I would say "erm" like a dozen times and make lots of pausis. My speech was far from flowing.

It was awful.

Nevertheless, and for once in my life, I didn't pity myself after this massive fail. I realised it wasn't my night.  It wasn't about me. Amy's friend still achieved to have an excellent performance - his and the other pianists' hands still elegantly danced over the piano.

On the next morning, my negativity was finally enough for me. I decided that I had already lost enough time just whining about my problems. 

I admitted being scared - not of failing the IB, but actually succeeding at it. I was scared that my dreams may come true. That I might actually be pleased on the 6th of July when we get our results back. And when I finally realised that there was a possibility that I might pass the IB with excellent results, it seemed to ease everything.

I also became aware of the fact that I wasn't crediting myself enough. I had, for example, forgotten the days when I went to speech therapy as a child learning to pronounce certain vowels. I forgot how paralysed my speech used to be. I forgot that my leadership presentations, a while before, had been the first time in my life where I had spoke up in front of people that I didn't know. So even if I made a mess on Friday, it had been a big step.

Then, on Saturday, we went shopping - my parents and me. I had been saving up most of my money in order to finance my Kalahari trip for months. So it felt great being able to freely spend some money again. 

Cher, from Clueless, is right! Shopping is like therapy! And I had forgotten it!

As you can see, I couldn't control myself. :)

I also found a dress like the one you had before Z stole it from you.....you know the one that you told me to put on when we went on that heavy metal concert with A, and I ridiculously danced with James Logan. 

I'm glad that things are back to normal again. Let's see if I can rock the 2 months of IB left! :)

I miss you, S.

Quote by Bernadette Devlin